In April 2019, my journey towards justice for child sexual abuse came to an abrupt end. After four years from reporting to the police, three trials (one cancelled due to extreme weather), a jury found the defendant Not Guilty of five charges (three in relation to another victim) and a hung jury for the remaining six charges (all in relation to me) for the sexual abuse I experienced between the ages of 8 and 12.
After nearly two years post trial, I feel ready to publish the victim impact statement prepared in readiness for a Guilty verdict that never came. I promised myself that I would eradicate the shame that has infiltrated my being and this is part of that journey, which I also appreciate is not a linear one. Talking and writing more openly about these experiences can help more victims to find their voice and know they are not alone, and also educate people about the impact of non recent sexual abuse on the adult and why these crimes should never be viewed as ‘historic’.
I might have written the impact statement differently had I have been writing it today, however I wanted to stay true to where I was in my process at the time. The good news is, whilst the justice system did not go my way, there is hope and healing aplenty to be had.
6th April 2019
It goes without saying that I feel immense relief that after 28 long years,
including a 48 month wait for court, I finally have an opportunity to
move forward with my life, without the all consuming silence of the
sexual abuse I endured as a child.
My attempts to bury my memories, associated emotions and reactions
were thwarted by daily reminders of what happened whilst in the care
of a man I should have been able to trust.
Some of the everyday ways the abuse has impacted is by rarely feeling
safe in the bath and feeling hyper-vigilant whilst undressing and being
naked. I am fearful of people walking behind me on staircases and feel
sick at the sight of men in dressing gowns. I avoid certain places and
people that remind me of my childhood. Songs on the radio, certain
types of vehicles and smells can send me into a spin.
Some of the more serious repercussions include developing an eating
disorder in the form of binge eating to make myself unattractive to men
– something I still do when feeling vulnerable. My belief as a child was
that if I made myself fat, he would no longer be interested. My adult
self knows that the abuse was about control and it wouldn’t have really
mattered what I looked like – vulnerability was the attraction.
I experience intimacy issues within relationships, something as simple as
kissing on the lips brings on revulsion that I feel sad and ashamed to
experience. Loving my children so much but not being able to always
show this in ways that is natural to most parents – play and hugs.
Watching my daughter grow up and become the age I was at the time of
my abuse, fuelling the disbelief of the actions of the abuser and my fear
of not being believed if I were to tell.
Families on both sides, and in opposite sides of the world, have been
fractured and devastated beyond reconciliation – the ripple effect of loss
and strained relationships insurmountable.
The trauma of the police investigation, months waiting for a charge,
giving evidence in court twice and then going through the humiliation of
cross examination have contributed to a depleted, yet still resilient mental state in the here and now. However, there have been times where my husband and children have seen me rock and cry myself to sleep. I’ve wanted to pull my own hair out and scratch my arms until they bleed.
Anxiety has taken my breath away since the age of 10 to the point I’ve
not been able to speak at times. An asthma diagnosis possibly masking
deeper issues. In my early teens being consumed by Obsessive
Compulsive Disorder to the point I would walk home from school and
have to walk past ten lampposts before a car came along (easier to
manage in Australia than in the UK!), or else I believed my mum or my
brother would die.
My brother being younger than I grew up in an environment where
sexual abuse occurred, unbeknownst to him at the time, but he would
have experienced the trauma indirectly. He soaked up the overt
domestic abuse and suffered as a result of my withdrawal, his big sister,
from being ‘present’ a lot of the time. As an adult, he has taken a
different path – one, which started out with joyriding, and shoplifting
but progressed to becoming a drug addict and being imprisoned for a
serious assault on his partner and the police. My attempt to gain justice
is for his lost years too.
Self loathing and thoughts of suicidal ideation in the last few years.
Feeling all consumed by isolation, as I have not learned how to say ‘I
need help’ and utilise my support network in the right way, in spite of a
lot of therapy.
Hiding all of the above with a smile and an “I’m fine – how are you?”
‘Historical abuse’ does not accurately portray crimes of this nature as
the experiences are alive in every fibre of a survivors being. Many,
including myself, have learned to hide, to smile, to focus on others. But
it is time to come into the light and shed the heavy load that is weighing
down the ability to reach our full, wonderful potential.
That’s what I plan to do now.
Thank you for reading. I am currently writing about the experience ‘From Report to Court’ and wish to continue to raise awareness of the victim experience going through the judicial process, sharing lived experience in a way that challenges the taboo of child sexual abuse and the commonality of being highly resilient whilst experiencing periods of vulnerability and distress.
I also wish to address self stigma in respect of mental health and how becoming a senior leader in policing (as I have had the privilege to become) should not be a barrier to accessing support. Education around the benefits and strength in showing vulnerability is required to improve peer structures for leaders and encouraging an environment that is conducive to wellbeing within the organisation.
Useful Contacts and Support Options including NHS self help booklets for Anxiety, Abuse, Bereavement, Eating Disorders, Health Anxiety, Self Harm and much more
For anyone who may be going to court to give evidence as a victim or witness, feel free to read my article Self Care Tips for Victims in Court
The Shame of Victim Blaming – A Blog
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