When well meaning (or not!) family, friends and colleagues get it wrong…
Most of us want to help and support our friends and loved ones when they are going through a tough time, grieving or suffering from mental health issues. However, in the thousands of hours I have spent with therapy clients over the years, I have learned that there are some common epic verbal fails we can all make whilst attempting to be supportive.
Here are five of the most infuriating attempts…
1. “Calm Down!”
Can you please tell me who has ever calmed down after being told to calm down? I’ll tell you who…no one! Because it doesn’t happen. It’s one of those classic lines that if delivered (and quite often if it is) without empathy, can take your mood to the depths of despair or catapult emotions to 10,000 feet accompanied by steam coming out of every orifice. It’s also ironic that the words “calm down” are normally said by someone who is so far from calm!
Try saying something like “what can I do to help you?” or “I’m here for you.” Better still, just listen and stay as still and as grounded as possible to encourage your friend or loved one to settle in their own time.
2. “You know where I am”
A pet hate of mine but a classic that we are all guilty of. Quite often this statement comes from a place of feeling uncomfortable or paying lip service. Other times, the person is well meaning which is why it is very hard for the receiver to judge whether it’s a heartfelt statement. For someone who is suffering from a mental health issue, grieving or experiencing a highly stressful situation, it can be difficult to be specific about what they need. Hell, sometimes it’s hard to take a shower or get up in the morning, let alone reach out for help and actually ask for it.
If you are the person tempted to say “you know where I am” then this should only be a last resort or if you have been told to stay away. It’s better to check in with the person you care about regularly and not be distant. Just dropping round and making them a cup of tea, popping in with a pot plant or communicating regularly via text or social media (many people with mental health issues may avoid speaking on the telephone). Again, just being there is good enough usually.
3. “I know how you feel”
Erm, no you don’t. You may view yourself as experiencing a similar situation but how we cope with life is determined by many factors, from personality, environment, relationships, attachment and past experiences. For what may feel a little stressful to one person, may seem insurmountable for others. By saying “I know…” you are already imagining how you might feel rather than actually listening and empathising with the other persons experience.
This statement is an easy mistake to make but it can often be uninvited and unwanted and can shift the focus back to you rather than the person you are trying to support. Try saying something like “it sounds like things are really tough for you at the moment.” That way you are not being dismissive and, you are not making it about you! Listen, listen and listen some more.
4. “Cheer up! It might never happen”
Hang your head in shame if you have ever said this to someone who’s really struggling. Yes…this is a statement that can bring on evil thoughts and is extremely patronising!
Conversely, I’ve listened to clients before that have said this line has been said to them when they’ve been feeling pretty good and upbeat, by people they know. Having a ‘good’ day and then someone tells you effectively to turn your frown upside down…? Hmmmm, give me strength… Just don’t say it.
5. “You look tired”
It can be extremely disheartening if you’ve made an effort to present yourself to the world and someone says that you look tired. We all know there are times when self care can go out of the window and even washing your hair can feel like a momentous achievement, so it’s a big deal if the first thing someone comments on is how tired you look. This can kick the emotional stuffing out of someone who has battled to get in to work or out for a social activity. Of course, it’s okay to be concerned and admittedly the negative impact of this statement can be reduced if delivered with compassion but it would be more supportive to say something like “you don’t seem yourself today, how are you? Shall we go and grab a cuppa and have a chat?”
There are loads more lines I could mention, like the classics “pull yourself together”or “be strong”. I guess the biggest tip I could offer when you feel the pull to default to rubbish lines in an effort to console or support is, don’t be afraid to ask how you can help. If you don’t receive any guidance around this then perhaps let go of the pressure to fix or make things better immediately for the person you care about. Just be you, don’t bend yourself out of shape and practice at being a good listener.